This 3-part serious will be called the 'Perfume Adverts: The Good, the Bad, and the just plain Ridiculous'.
Perfume adverts are seriously everywhere. It seems whenever you flick the channel,
there'll be some form of semi-naked woman, whimpering in a groaning voice, appearing to be involving herself in some sort of hedonistic activity. Sadly, I love the over-
sexualised perfume industry, and perfume adverts are a little pleasure of mine. Here are some top picks...
Georgio Armani Diamonds - Beyonce Campaign
Ok, let it be known, I love
Beyonce. That woman could pop her name on a plastic bag filled with cow dung, and I'd buy three crates full. Whatever she touches turns to gold, or, more topically, diamonds. This advert shows the best sides of my girl B. She's fierce, she looks hotter than molten lava, and she sings like the absolute siren she is. And it's in black and white. Can I fault it? No.
Watch the advert here.Chanel Coco Mademoiselle - Kiera Knightley
First of all, I love the song. I'm not actually a big
Joss Stone kind of gal, but her voice with this track has that nice raspy quality, and it really makes this advert what it is. As for
Kiera herself, all she does is pout copious amounts, flash some back cleavage and calls it a night. I like the reds and the golds in this advert, plus it really makes the perfume look like a real man-magnet. And I'm never one to turn that down...
Watch the advert here.Dolce and Gabbana One - Gisele Bundchen Campaign
Gisele is one of those women that you could just look at for hours on end and still end up pondering how she got that ludicrously gorgeous bone structure. Then you begin to get jealous. Then you start feeling angry. Then you turn to eating
Ferrero Rochers with tear stained cheeks. But that's a story for another day. There are some things I don't love about the advert. Sunglasses? With that dress? Really? Nevertheless, overall, I love the look of this advert. It's busy, they're all in a rush, but Gisele's husky tones never fail to make it back to base. She just looks like such a blast to hang out with, doesn't she?
Watch the advert here.Moschino Cheap and Chic - I Love Love Campaign
This advert is
waaay beyond my usual taste. You've probably noticed that some complimentary hues and a ferocious woman will satisfy me. This is something completely different, yet I still feel that it has a very unique quality about it. The
narcotised model, the strange origami head-gear, that worrying innuendo with the bottle, it all moulds together to form something quite
disquieting, but something quite wonderful as well. I'm not going to lie to you though, the perfume smells
manky. Guess you can't have it all.
Miss Dior Cherie - Sofia Coppola/Maryna Linchuk Campaign
You know when you go on
tumblr, and there are hoards of pictures that have been taken through some dusty,
antiquey filter, with crisp little
sun rays, capturing dainty little pink things, like shoes and telephones? Well, this advert is basically a whole 46 seconds of that. It epitomises Parisian chic, and makes most women who watch it either get on to Easy Jet to book a last minute flight to Paris, or onto
Tesco.com buying a croissant. I guess the most logical thing would be to buy the perfume, but what's logical about advertising? NOTHING. No, but seriously, this advert makes me feel all warm and feminine inside. Thumbs up to Sofia!
Watch the advert here.Gucci by Gucci - Raquel Zimmerman, Natasha Poly and Freja Beha Erichsen Campaign
There was a point in my youth when I had this advert on repeat. It has such a rich colour intensity, and I love this song. David Lynch is a famed director, and you can definitely see an artist's touch in this gem. I also adore the awkward dancing models, but I think that gives the advert it's charm. Because Blondie used to dance like she was a broken record. But it was really hot.
Watch this advert here.Chanel No.5 - The Film Campaign with Nicole Kidman
If there's any justice in the world, this should well be in the 'Bad' and certainly in the 'Ridiculous' category. But I'm a sucker for cheese, and this is a big, fat, stinky slice of Stilton. So there's a storyline, there's costume changes, there's even a mild
luurve scene, there's a 2 minute long cliche. And it's so goddamn romantic. I realise the dialogue is sometimes almost too
cringey to bear, but come on, it's just so sweet. And they main guy: hello! Yes, I know, I'm pathetic. Now let's watch it again.
Watch this advert here.And that about concludes it.
Phwoar, this took my a while, but it was fun. Hope you guys like this list, and tell me, which adverts do you enjoy?
And remember to give me a cheeky like. Cause I like you. ;)
You know...Juno's dad.
Beneath that thumbs-up lies a career-long grude of unrecognition.
"Him, on the left" doesn't count.
Neither does "Titanic submarine guy with earring."
Click to enlarge, if it's the last thing you do!
Dianne Argon is every inch the Hollywood pin-up.
Oh hello January Jones! Perhaps the only woman who looks this good with a red lip.
I love this print and colour on Gabourey Sidibe. She, however, is divine.
Gotta hand it to Angelina Jolie, she looks fierce. This colour really sets off her eyes.
Anne Hathaway fulfills my penchant for high neck, long sleeved dresses.
Olivia Wilde looks 'dazzling' (wow, cringe!) in this gown.
What is this awkward polygon intruding on Kelly Osbourne's otherwise non-offensive dress?
I don't like Leighton Meester, I don't like her ageing, poufy dress. Fact.
Piper Perabo teaches you the most valuable lesson in life. How to completely erradicate any feminine aspect of your body shape - wear a ruler!
Aaaargh! Julianne Moore is beautiful, but this deflated balloon residing on her chest ain't doing no favours.
Michelle Williams? Mothercare called! They want their frock back.
Speaking of Mothercare...hehe. Natalie Portman look amazing preggers, and the dress was that close to being one of my favourites of the night. But the red glittery rose looks dreadful, especially clashing with the necklace. Oh well, she was still one of the most beautiful women there.
With flash - mannequin hand.
Without flash - dipped my hand in coffee...er,hand.
One thing I must stress: If you're reading this post with your strict puritan grandmother in tow, you'll most likely want to conceal her innocent eyes right now. Yes, what you see above is, as they say, fo'real. Look, I get it, sex sells. And, if we're to believe everything Tom Ford tells us, a sweaty, bald pube does too. Open up your Webster's Dictionary:
It's refreshing to see Milla Jovovivh on a good day. Those L'Oreal adverts make her look like an eagle on a botox-hype. But here, she's hot. Sizzling if you will. Making her way down that claustrophobic corridor, black and white, come to mamma! And then the guy comes in. Or more, scarpers in. He looks like a deer that's been shot in the leg. You can pretty imagine this is how it went down in the marketing meeting.
Sarah Jessica Parker (or SJP as we will call her from this point on) is one of the many celebrities that has succumbed to Over-the-Hill-Desperation syndrome. It happens to the best of them. Angelina Jolie had 'Salt', Robert De Niro had 'Stardust', and SJP had 'Covet'. Gone are they days of her dignity, Sarah's gone onto better places now! Crime! Take this advice from Auntie Jessie kids, if you want something, don't earn it. Steal it! I'll see you in juvie jail come September.
And lord knows I need the money.
SHOCKER! I hate Matthew McConaghwhatsherface. He annoys the literal hell out of me. I'm aware he's considered an Adonis by some, but for me he has absolutely zilch sex appeal. And that's what the perfume industry's all about, no? I mean, look at this picture. His chest looks ridiculously smooth, like someone just shellaced it. And that grin? What...am I...am I meant to be attracted by that? No, no, no. Sorry Matthew, I know there's a lotta girls out there that'd eat a homeless man's toenail to be in with a chance with you, but you ain't getting anywhere near me.
So you know there's that film ET? Yeah. Well, ET's cute, and he's got a lovely lil' bicycle, and you know, he really seems to be going places? Look at him, strutting his martian ass all up on my TV screen. Except then you realise it's a perfume advert. And ET's a woman. Ewwwwwww.
Britney's had a hard time for the past...decade, and I really do hope everything's working out for her. However, that's no reason that I can't expose this advert for the embarrassment it really is. There are three things that don't quite work in this advert.
This is what I did:
Most of these are just random studs I've collected over a while: I love Topshop jewelry, as well as George at Asda and I've even found some gems at Supedrug.
Freedom at Topshop
Freedom at Topshop
Random shop in Cornwall.
It's been hyped for having one of the most captivating love stories ever seen on film, but Nicole Kidman (or Satine) is made out to be such a slag, you'd be convinced she'd jump into bed with any penniless broad.
Hello, Ghostlike.
Isn't she gorgeous?
"Wait for the 'cut', waaaaaiiit for iiiiit"
The guy in the bottom right hand corner made me so angry.
Thank the lord for that.
