Thursday, 13 January 2011

Perfume Adverts - the Ridiculous

I understand that the perfume industry is built on the decadent foundation of cliches. And I'm happy to accept that. However, we mustn't forget the last category in my perfume adverts scrutiny. Yes indeed, it takes a real genius to reduce a potentially amazing perfume into the laughing stock of the Boots fragrance section. Allow me to introduce you to some of the most tasteless, weird and cringey adverts you've ever seen...

Tom Ford For Men Campaign
One thing I must stress: If you're reading this post with your strict puritan grandmother in tow, you'll most likely want to conceal her innocent eyes right now. Yes, what you see above is, as they say, fo'real. Look, I get it, sex sells. And, if we're to believe everything Tom Ford tells us, a sweaty, bald pube does too. Open up your Webster's Dictionary:
Crude [krood] adjective, crud.er, crud.est, noun = See Tom Ford 'For Men' advert.

Go check it now if you don't believe me! Also look up 'revolting'. You'll get the same result.

Marc Jacobs Bang Campaign

Baby oil? Check. Large piece of foil complete with tattooed naked man? Check. An awkward metallic cutout to cover said naked man's private parts? Check. Why, this advert has all the ingredients to being absolutely...hmmm...stupid!
"Oooh, I feel so hot lying here on my foil". Yeeeah, we'll take your word on that.
One thing I must admit though, at least they made some effort to conceal the poor man's decency. The same can't be said for that exploited piece of genitalia above.

Dolce and Gabbana Light Blue - David Gandy Campaign

Now girls, I'm no prude. I am more than happy to admit that David Gandy is probably one of the most statuesque men to arrive on this earth since Zeus! But this advert has two things that are a bit O.o inducing.
First of all, that lingering shot of David's (we're on first name terms) tighty-whiteys. I mean, the fact he's wearing swimming trunks suitable only for a 12 year old effeminate adolescent is bad enough. Don't make a big deal of it or anything! And then we get the passionate kissing, with the opera music and it's all very atmospheric, and 'Ooooh, isn't David Gandy a bit of alright?' and BAM! They ruin the mood with that terrible clapper. I mean, what is the point? I was kind of feeling like Stella, you know. Getting my groove back.

Watch this advert here.


Calvin Klein Escape - Milla Jovovich CampaignIt's refreshing to see Milla Jovovivh on a good day. Those L'Oreal adverts make her look like an eagle on a botox-hype. But here, she's hot. Sizzling if you will. Making her way down that claustrophobic corridor, black and white, come to mamma! And then the guy comes in. Or more, scarpers in. He looks like a deer that's been shot in the leg. You can pretty imagine this is how it went down in the marketing meeting.

Nervous Intern: So, why don't we have like this contest? Like, h...how gay can you get in the space of 0.46 seconds?
Calvin Klein: I love it!

Except he's not really gay at all, because the other half of the advert sees him getting incredibly personal with Milla. Lucky twat.

Watch this advert here.

Sarah Jessica Parker Covet Campaign
Sarah Jessica Parker (or SJP as we will call her from this point on) is one of the many celebrities that has succumbed to Over-the-Hill-Desperation syndrome. It happens to the best of them. Angelina Jolie had 'Salt', Robert De Niro had 'Stardust', and SJP had 'Covet'. Gone are they days of her dignity, Sarah's gone onto better places now! Crime! Take this advice from Auntie Jessie kids, if you want something, don't earn it. Steal it! I'll see you in juvie jail come September.

PS: Since when did she speak French?

Watch this advert here.

And that's all folks. I really enjoyed writing these, I hope I get another chance to completely annihilate something soon. Which adverts can you not stand?


4 comments:

Claire@Eyelining said...

Hahaha I have loved this post series! Milla is out of this world hot but the rest of the ads are down right bizzare. And those tighty whities? Not a lot in 'em is there lol x

The Sparkly Poo said...

@Claire - I'm glad you enjoyed it, must do some more! :) hehe, David cannot be faulted!

xx

mike.samir said...

Well, it is a funny article, but regarding Tom Ford, you missed out a key issue: the target are men. I, as a man, and sexually obsessed individual, love it. It is all wrong, yes, but so right at the same time. It is explicit and obvious, just like porn. But all men watch porn. All men. This is a nice, sub-conscious link that was created by someone very clever. Not to mention it will attract people like you, who will then spread it everywhere - I didn't see the adver up until now. When it comes to David Gandi ad - the most important part of the pic is not actually him, but the shape of the rock in position to the water. Good advert makers don't usually put the most important object as a center-piece. It's a headfuck, really, when you think about it:)

Josh and Harry, my new friends

Marked for Glamour said...

The MARC JACOB ad - Mister Jacob is liking himself A LOT! That's actually him modelling, since he lost weight and toned up! All these ads are pretty shocking, but that's the nature of the beast as they say! x